Dear Dave – you don’t mind if I call you Dave, do you, only that friendly diminutive of your name was what you wanted when you were leader of the opposition and courting every possible voter with your brand of compassionate Conservatism,
Well, you’ve got a bit of a problem with this Chief Whip of yours, don’t you? You have to show him some loyalty and accept his story, but in doing so you’re effectively saying the police lied, which is like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. To my count, the letter released tonight is the third attempt to ‘draw a line’ under the matter. But really, you can only do that when things add up. And they really don’t in this case, do they?
Now, I don’t know Andrew Mitchell – let’s call him Andy, shall we, and make it all friendly? – how could I? I didn’t go to public school, I didn’t have generations of MPs in my past, I’m not a rich banker. He may be the nicest chap in the world for all I know, although many accounts seem to doubt it. But one thing he seems unable to do is recall exactly what he did say. At first he didn’t swear, then he did. Now he’s clear on what he said, but he won’t tell us? That seems a wee bit odd to me, Dave. Aren’t we good enough to know? Or could it be that even coming out and saying the word ‘pleb’ is too, too dangerous? Even if he didn’t say it the damage has been done. Oops,eh?
I know these are trying times for you lot. You growing more unpopular and even parts of your own party keep threatening to knife you in the back (“Et tu, Brute?” See, you don’t need a posh upbringing to quote Shakespeare). The truth is, you’re just not very good in your choice of people, are you. There’s poor Andy Coulson. All you were doing was giving him a second chance. And let’s not forget Liam Fox, eh? What about Jeremy Hunt? And now old Andy. But you mostly stick by them. Well, it’s the public way, isn’t it, and someone has to show leadership. But I think it’s time to admit your people skills aren’t so hot. Dave.
Of course, you were just a PR flak. Probably you’re not the one who gets to makes the decision on who goes into what spot. You don’t pull the strings, you’re just a marionette who’ll end up making a lot of money after you leave office (maybe you can do better than Tony, eh?). I hate to say it, Dave, but you’re not even my Prime Minister. To me you’re a squatter in Downing Street (aren’t there laws against that now?). You were never elected to the job, you only got in on a technicality. You don’t have a government with a mandate from the people. But if it makes you feel better, go on believing that you do.
But right now you have a real problem. You’re damned whichever way you turn and all you can do is hope it’ll all go away very quickly. It’s never nice having to dump friends, is it? Still, if this doesn’t get swept under the rug (and I believe the rank and file police aren’t happy with you about those policing cuts) you’ll be able to give Ade a nice send off.